Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Its okay if its me but not my.......


Salam to all.

I have been wondering about this for many years, on and off.
But the recently completed PRU12 made me wonder about this matter more.And I still can't find something satisfactory to explain.

Maybe someone out there have read some studies made about this(if there is any).Or someone might have a theory about it.
Has it got to do with love?
Or pride?
Or whatever?

I always see this happening. For many years.I've seen it in varsity.I've seen it in the hospital, in kampungs towns and cities. its actually happening to the whole nation.

I noticed this when insults are thrown to people,me included, and see how the reacted to those insults.

Have you heard these before?

"Woi! Melayu bodoh!"
"Hindu memang kuat mabuk"
"Kalau tak menipu bukan Cina lah namanya"
"Orang Kelantan memang suka bergaduh"
"kalau dah Melaka tu Melaka lah jugak.Kuat maki hamun"


"UMNO memang tempat rasuah hidup"
"PAS boleh buat apa? Sembahyang hajat boleh laa.."
"DAP tu memang bangsat"
"MIC tuhan depa Samy Vellu"


" Dr Mahathir tu macam Fir'aun"
"Pak Lah kaki tidoq"
"Nik Aziz dah tua..tunggu hari saja!"
"Anwar tu kan kaki l**at mana boleh percaya langsung"


"That stupid PAS"
"UMNO leaders are mostly stupid"
" DAP leaders are all racist"
"Hoi Melayu! Puak penagih dadah dan buang anak"

What will be the reactions if your race or religion or political party or your hometown or your home state is being insulted?

From my observations so far, many will be angry when these 'instituition' they belong to are insulted or accused of bad things.Even when what was hurled is true.

A Malay will feel insulted if someone told him the Malays are lazy(lazy to study ,lazy to work) and likes to much entertainment.

UMNO members will be angry if you tell them UMNO is so corrupted and their leaders are power abusers.

A Kelantanese will be upset if you tell them many Kelantanese gets angry easily and gets into a fight for mundane reasons.

An Indian chap will be upset if you say Indians are drunkards, even if he is drunkard.

Is it the generalisation of things that made people(us too?) upset and angry?

For, if you tell a person (lets say a Malay) that HE is lazy most of the time he can take that. If you tell an Indian man that he is a drunkard he might just smile to you.Or you tell Ah Chong that he always cheated his customers he might just say: Haiya!!Kalu talak tipu mana bole maju maa??"

So, what is it that made us react like that?You can insult me but never ever insult my 'group'.


Kata Tak Nak said...

Very good question doc. Let me try. Maybe it is the sense of belonging thing. I belong to a group and definitely it cannot be a bad group. How can I belong to a bad group? No way.

Not convincing eh? I thought so too. Well let some experts crack their heads over this.

Kerp (Ph.D) said...

whoaa, very mind-boggling la doc. let me try. could it be that as cikgu said, a sense of belonging and to be one of the frontliners. or a hero of the crowd. the one stands out. i dont know.

but this posting reminds me back on the muhibbah tag we all did. i dont think it hurts real bad to be called a lazy malay from a non-malay friend if he can take insults thrown at his race. amongst friends of differet races, racial insult is meaningless. just like being called a cacat by a fellow crippled, not such a big deal.

Raden Galoh said...

Salam bro...
Hmmm...I think it has got to do with the 'judgemental' character in us...something that we carry for ages and simply throw it out into the limelight when something provoke our anger...especially things we are so sentimental about...

We (me included)kena byk reflect and do muhasabah...what makes so perfect when mankind is created to be imperfect...thus a society is formed by the presence of mankind to so it's imperfect, and so on...

somehow, bahaya buat generalization and stereotyping ni...sbb people change...yg melayu pun ramai yg dah tak lazy... good examples pun ramai juga...

Just my 2 sen worth of opinion bro...

cakapaje said...

Salam Doc,

Hmm...you are the one who's supposed to be telling us about this! I mean, Medical Professionals are supposed to have learned about psychology and sociology kan? I mean, take a loot at Frasier...not a good example huh? Oh well... :)

tokasid said...


Maybe there is something there. But what puzzles me is If the person is insulted he can take it easily. But not his group.

lets see who can give us some satisfactory explainantion. Maybe Dr Chandra Muzaffar?

tokasid said...


Mind boggling it is.
Just waiting someone to blow out our minds.

tokasid said...


Sis, maybe that 'sentimental' feeling is the thing.And add it with the sense of belonging as mentioned by che'gu.

If not for the sentimental thing, how can we be angry when someone mentioned that melayu kaki dadah and we know that is true to a certain extend.

tokasid said...

Shah my bro:

I have been observing this for many years and I try to look at certain aspects for answers but there is no one concrete answer. There are of course assumptions and thats what we have at the moment.

Maybe Frued had forgotten to observe about it.But knowing Freud it might not be a good idea for he relates and correlates everything to sex deprivation.

And there is Frasier...hmmm...maybe I should call House.that is one cranky guy who might shed some lights.

Anonymous said...

salam doc,
hmm...interesting indeed, but i'm not going to try to give you the ansewr. sebabnya, i dont know the answer.
tapi lani melayu pun mabuk, indian pun tipu dan cina pun ada yang malas.
the last time my chinese friend tanya, Why melayu like that one? I ask her back, Am i like that? and she said , "Ya la, you and a few not like that la." . so i said, that is why i dont know why some are like that. may be jugak, most of you here dont know the answer sebab we are not like that. agaknya. sorrylah doc, ini pendapat guru tadika, dan tak semua guru tadika macam saya.

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simple & plain lady next door said...

Salam Doc,

terkedu sat lepaih baca ur post tak sat ni. I am a singlemom. Yeah, u can expect what sort of insults I've to hear. I have two schooling kids. I've been single again almost eight years now. I've been taking care of my kids, my parents, my brother (sometimes) and or course, myself. To add to the list, my job too dictates that I have to take care of the boss and the company I am working with.

Two years ago (when I was thirty something :p), I obtained a first class degree from a UK university (I studied locally). I did my diploma long time ago, but my parents cannot afford to support me further.

I earned good pay now, and I drive nice car too. My two kids are doing well in school and I am so proud of them. Once, a teacher came to me to congratulate me and said that she was so proud to have my daughter in her class. Their father has no inkling on what is happening in his daughters lives! They are happy even though they are staying with my parents now as I am away in another state to ... yeah, to take care of the company I am working with.

Anyway, why am I telling all these? Now, that question brings to the exact point of my post here. I am still single. Why? Because NORMALLY, people look down on a woman who has the word 'janda' attached to her name!! Most of them failed to look beyond it and in my case, I believe its my car that blocked their senses. Or is it my house? Sigh... hard to tell.

What I'm trying to say here is that, most of the attentions we, the singlemoms/divorcees/widows received were uncalled for. Of course some people married single moms too. Take Pak Lah, the obvious example. But then, people made it sound like Pak Lah has married a second or third class citizen. Oh I'm sure we've heard of these before.. "laaa.. tak dak orang lain ka dia nak menikah? dengan janda?" Okay, maybe its because Pak Lah already has some unsettled issues before that. Let's scratch that example.

Suppose you hear a man marrying a singlemom or a divorcee or a widow. The first thought NORMALLY would be, "haaa..? dengan janda?" or "awat dia kawin janda?" or "laaaa.. ya ka?" It gets worst if the singlemom/divorcee/widow is to become the second/third/fourth wife.

And selalu jugak la kita dok dengaq ayat ayat macam ni, "laaa.. anak hang gheja baguih awat pi menikah dengan janda? dah ada anak pulak tu," or "hang jangan dok pilih sangat Man, pilih punya pilih sat ni dapat janda baghu padan muka hang," and beberapa ayat lagi yang tak berapa syok nak cerita.

Sampai bila la depa depa ni semua nak faham yang singlemom/divorcee/widow (especially yang lawa lawa :p) are not less human than them!

tokasid said...


memang susah nak cari jawapan kemusykilan saya ni.

Dan memang la ni perangai buruk-buruk bukan terhad kepada sesuatu bangsa,puak atau group saja. sapa-sapa pun boleh buat.

Tapi ramai orang masih gemar buat generalisation terhadap sesuatu kumpulan yang lain.Tapi saya jugak perasan orang yang banyak mixed around dgn pelbagai kaum,bangsa dan kumpulan dia boleh tolerate insuniation atau sindiran2 begini berbanding dgn orang yang menghadkan pergaulan dgn golongan tertentu saja.

Contohnya( kita guna politiklah sebab baru habis PRU kan)
1-orang kata kat saya: Apa la PAS Melaka. Satu kerusi pun tak dapat. Memang hangpa di Melaka ceroi laa...( mungkin ada ahli PAS Melaka yg akan rasa hangin satu badan dgn cakap2 begini tapi saya tak ambil pot)
2-Org kata kat saya: Doc! Lu punya bangsa manyak terok woo...Lamai angkat dadah ramai belum kawin sudah belanak. Melayu pigi sekolah ah...talak belajar..main-main saja ..
(orang yg tinggi semangat Melayu atau merasakan dia insan Melayu terakhir mungkin akan melenting dan melempang apek yg cakap tu. Tapi saya tak marah sebab saya tahu apa yg apek cakap memang betul)
3-Atau jika saya kata UMNO haprak pada kawan saya yang memang perangai haprak dan kebetulan dia ahli UMNO-dia akan melenting dan mungkin bagi penerajang ke muka saya.Bukan kerana dia haprak tapi kerana saya katakan pada dia UMNO haprak.Dan dia tahu apa yg saya kata tu benar.

Jadi kalau benda yg orang kata tu betul apasal ada yg marah sampai jadi Hulk,upset, hangin seluruh badan sampai umpama unta sembelit bila kumpulan dia di tegur atau di kata orang?

tokasid said...

Simple and plain lady:

1- I have to tabik spring to you sis.As a single mum you managed to bring up your 2 darlings well and at the same time be successful in your proffession.

2-In our Malay society being a single mother esp a mak janda is difficult. It makes no difference whether we are in the kampongs or the big towns and cities.
I guess in the Malay psyche the title mak Janda and Mak Tiri brings in fear and disgust to many womenfolks. And the local drama Melayu most of the time makes it a point to show that Mak tiri are mostly jahat macam setan and janda are miang nak ambil laki orang.

How unfortunate.I have many patients who are janda and from them I know life is difficult.They go through a emotional turmoil. left right front and back thy are being sneered at.Even by their own relatives.When they were married their friends and family treat them as any normal human being.But after the got the janda title they were like a social pariah. many woory their husbands might 'tersangkut hati' to the janda.

But how do we overcome this negative impressions on janda and stepmums? Education.Yes. But many knew not all janda are 'gila nak berlaki' and not all mak tiri are ' jahat mengalahkan setan'.Yet, the acted to janda like to that of an AIDS patient.

How sad.How unfortunate.

So sis, do not let what other ppl think of you as a setback.Let them. You carry on with your life. And I know you are happy right now.
To go through this ordeal for so many years it just proved that you are one iron lady.

Zabs said...

Salam Doc.,
Benar seperti yang anda tuliskan itu. Cuma jikalau kita fikirkan dahulu semua apa yang kita hendak katakan, tentu tidak terkeluar kata-kata yang tidak baik itu.

Seperti peringatan dari Mior dalam hadis ini: "Whoever believes in God and in the Last Day should say what is good or keep silent; and one should also be generous to his/her neighbours and guests." (adapted from Imam Muslim's narration)

Namun demikian manusia "being" manusia tidak sunyi dari melakukan kesilapan, akan terus melakukannya, semoga dengan selalu beristighfar, kita berharap mendapat keampunan dariNya. InsyaAllah.

Fauziah Ismail said...

Salam Tokasid
My two cents’ worth is that it has something to do with our ego (defined in dictionary.com as “the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought.”), that in our minds, we are better than the other races or parties or organizations we belong to are above others.
One has to look at things objectively. I always tell my friends, Malays and non-Malays, that. As much as I am open to any kind of criticism, they must too and that there must be some basis of it.

tokasid said...

Pak Zabs:

Memang benar pak. Tapi itu lah kita, nama pun insan( lupa) memang sering lupa mungkin kerana kita sedang emosi tau kerana kita tidak sensitif atau terlalu sensitif sehingga gagal kawal emosi( saya selalu gak begini).

Cuba yang saya hairan kita melenting bila sesuatu buruk di kata kpd bangsa,agama,kumpulan yg kita sebagai sebahagian dari nya.Tapi jika benda buruk itu di kata kepada kita secara individu kita tak semarah itu.
Contohnya: "Tokasid. You all orang Melayu ni malas laa...."- saya tahu kebanyakan org Melayu akan melenting walaupun dia tahu ramai sangat org Melayu yg malas.
Tapi kalau di kata begini: "Tokasid. You ni pemalas laa..."- saya mungkin tak rasa apa-apa atau kurang marah dari kenyataan yg pertama.

Tu yang nak tahu tu...

tokasid said...


Thank you for you opinion.
Finally and explaination which is reasonable enough. EGO.

That could be it.

Thanks sis.

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